Soundtrack To Our Sorrows
by courtneymarie87
Summary: My take on how things should unfold regarding Toby being the betrAyer. Each chapter reflects loosely on song lyrics that will be displayed prior to the chapter, will have a list for you all at the end! The characters, some dialogue and general storyline do not belong to me. I'm just adapting them for my own happiness.
1. I Feel So

_**Sometimes, I wish I was brave. Wish I was stronger, wish I could feel no pain. I wish I was young. I wish I was shy. I wish I was honest. I wish I was you, not I. Cause I feel so mad. I feel so angry. I feel so callous. So lost, confused again. I feel so cheap, so used unfaithful. Let's start over, let's start over. Sometimes, I wish was smart. I wish I made cures for how people are. I wish I had power. I wish I could lead. I wish I could change the world for you and me.**_

"I'll see you soon."

Mona's shrill voice echoed through his head as she entered into the Radley. He turned slowly and made his way back past the gates. As he began to walk, his thoughts drifted over the past few hours. Finding out Nate kidnapped Paige had put a dent in the plans of the puppeteers. The ones he worked with were used to people getting in their way and they always had more sinister ideas up their sleeves. He proceeded as he usually tried to, letting them plot and doing all he could to stay out of it without making himself look suspicious.

Toby broke into a run when his mind swam to how he'd gotten himself wrapped up in this mess, wanting to get far away, and fast.

It had been about a year ago. He was released from the juvenile hall and came back to Rosewood ready to face his demons. People treated him like shit. He just wanted to go about his days. School. Home. School. Home. But no one would let him.

One day, a girl approached him on his way home. Her name was Mona. He didn't realize who she was at first and he was unsure of why she wanted to talk with him. No one ever did. But it was exactly that reason that made him follow her into the alley.

"I see the way people are treating you," she had said. "I know the way people used to treat you, too. The same way they used to treat me."

He just looked at her. This girl standing in front of him with her overly made up face, piles of jewelry and fashionable clothes. He couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Until it hit him. Who she was. He didn't know her well, but all the targets of Alison and her friends had that one thing in common. And they all recognized that in each other.

"You and I. We're the same. And I think we can help each other."

She explained to him how she had cozied up to Hanna. How she was part of a plan. A plan to get back at all of them for the way they had treated people when Alison was alive. And the people she was working with, they wanted him, too.

Toby had been hesitant at first. Looking back, he wished he had heeded that hesitancy. His naivety and willingness to trust people, even after all he had been through, was what eventually won. He wasn't usually one for retaliation, but he decided that a few anonymous text messages and simple pranks would pale in comparison to what Alison had done to him and countless others. He'd come to regret falling into the trap of an eye for an eye.

When Mona hit Hanna with her car, Toby started to think he was in over his head. He never had any intention of seriously hurting anyone. He foolishly believed that no one else on the team had those intentions either. People thought he was a menace to society, but all he ever really wanted was for someone to be accepting of him. When Mona asked him to join her team he felt like someone finally was.

It wasn't until Spencer showed up on his doorstep that he began to rethink his place in what was going on. They told him to lure her in so they could set her up for the fall, but he fell for her instead.

He was unsure of what to think when he saw her through the sliver of his open front door. Her face looked soft and her voice was calming. He kept his guard up when she asked him if they could sit on the porch, but he found her melting his hard exterior from the moment she handed him a copy of _L'attrape-coeurs_.

The more time they spent together and the more he learned about her, the harder he fell. One night as they sat by the fire she told him intimate details about her life and something resonated with him. This girl who seemed so sure of herself all the time was really so much like he was. He began to understand why when Alison chose her to be a part of her clique, she did whatever it took to fit in. Even if that meant letting herself be walked all over. She was looking for what he was looking for when Mona recruited him into her sadistic mission; acceptance.

Spencer was not Alison. She was the furthest thing from it. And when the team decided to spook her by locking her in a haunted house at the founder's day festival, he made sure he was standing there when she got out. Not only did she choose him that night, in front of everyone, not caring what people thought; she made it very clear that she trusted him and that she needed him.

He realized he needed her, too, and he vowed to protect her with every fiber of his being; any way he knew how.

He made it to the place near the Radley where he stowed his motorcycle and backpack while with Mona. His phone buzzed in the pocket of his pitch black hoodie and he removed it carefully, flicking on the screen, to find a text message from Spencer.

_At the hospital. Nate kidnapped Paige. Had her captive at the cabin with Emily. Caleb was shot. Please come. I need you._

An ache rose in his heart as he read the words over and over again. He was part of this. All of the people he cared about continued to be hurt and he was more than just a bystander. But he didn't have time to worry about that. He needed to get to her.


	2. Little Lion Man

_**Weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart. Weep little lion man you're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all of the courage you have left. Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. But it was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear? Tremble for yourself, my man, you know that you have seen this all before. Tremble little lion man you'll never settle any of your scores. **_

Toby parked his motorcycle near the entrance to the hospital, having switched his clothes before leaving his secret post. He took a deep breath before walking up to the doors and letting them slide open, activated by his presence.

The last time he had stepped foot in the hospital it had been because he was the one who was injured. Some of the team had become suspicious of his loyalty to them as he started spending more time with Spencer. They didn't feel that he had their motives enough in mind, so they decided to send him a message. It started with the severing of his beloved truck's brake line and when that didn't work, it ended with loosened bolts on some scaffolding while he was working at the Hastings'.

He was lucky the result was only a broken arm and not something worse, but he left town for awhile after that, trying to prove his intentions were still with them. But especially to make sure that they didn't plot a third attempt and involve Spencer this time.

Looking around as he stepped inside, Toby began to head towards a nurse's station to ask where Caleb's room was thinking he could probably find his girlfriend near there. But then he saw her. In deep, but hushed conversation with Hanna, she looked drained.

He started toward her and she must have sensed movement nearby because she turned in his direction. A relieved look set across her face and she placed her hand on Hanna's arm in a gesture to say she'd be right back as she took off to get to him.

He opened his arms wide to her as he had that afternoon and had become accustomed to doing over the time that they had shared together. He learned quickly that when he was around her, he wanted nothing more than to be as close to her as he could. She nuzzled into his chest and neither of them said a word.

After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart. He held her face in his hands, a palm on each cheek, and she rose onto her toes to bring her lips to his in a soft kiss.

"Thank you," she murmured.

He kissed her forehead and nodded as she turned out of his arms. He followed her toward the waiting area where Hanna had returned to sit with Aria and Emily. Emily, covered in blood, stared blankly forward while Hanna rested her head on Aria's shoulder.

Spencer took a seat across from them and Toby sat down next to her, resting their folded hands on his knee.

"How is Caleb?", he asked.

"Stable," she answered quietly.

He looked across at Hanna. Her eyes were puffy and red, she had no doubt been crying since the moment they found out what had happened.

He felt the familiar pang of guilt that he often felt when he saw the effects of the team's wrath on one of the other girls. Even though he may have been angry and wanting revenge at the beginning, he had really come to feel for them. If his co-conspirator's took some time away from their vengefulness, they might see that these girls weren't the monsters they thought they were. Manipulated by Alison and stunned by the ripple effect in the aftermath of her death. They were being constantly punished for things that were beyond their control.

That feeling was bad enough, but he dreaded the ache of his heart that was present whenever it was Spencer's turn to be targeted.

He kissed her hand lightly as he got up and placed it in her lap. He crossed the small space between them and the other girls to hunch down in front of Hanna. Placing one of his large hands over her two small ones, he spoke.

"He'll be okay, Hanna. It's Caleb."

She nodded at him, forcing back more tears and managed a small smile. He patted her hands softly and took back his place next to Spencer. His arm was around her shoulders within seconds and he pulled her close, stroking her hair. They sat that way for awhile, all five of them silent.

Eventually, a nurse came by to tell Hanna she was able to see Caleb. Since none of his family was available, they were allowing her to stand in for them. Emily and Aria volunteered to walk her to his room.

Spencer sat up and looked at him. "No matter what I do, you're always here when I need you."

There it was. That horrible aching heart feeling. It had been getting worse over time as they were at odds more and more about the fact that she was lying to him when, little did she know, he was keeping a few secrets of his own.

He tucked some of her hair behind her ear and smiled. "I told you. I know who you are. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy."

"I just want you. Always," she said. "You should go. I'm sure Hanna really appreciates you being here, but you don't have to stay."

He tried to protest, but she wouldn't let him. "Are you sure you don't want me to take you home?"

"No, I think we're all going to be wherever Hanna wants to be. But thank you, again."

His hand rested on the small of her back as he leaned down to kiss her. Their mouths melded perfectly together and he felt a warmth in his chest that was only there when she was around. As he pulled away, she gave him a small wave and turned to join the other girls outside of Caleb's room.

Toby walked towards the door, his fists clenching in anger at his sides. This was such a mess. He could've fixed it, he thought, if he hadn't let it get this far. What was he going to do now? There was no telling what could happen; he was running out of time and ideas.


	3. It Ends Tonight

_**Your subtleties, they strangle me. I can't explain myself at all [...] The walls start breathing. My mind's unweaving. Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted, on this evening, I give the final blow. When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight. A falling star, at least I fall alone [...] You're finding things that you didn't know [...] Just a little insight, won't make this right. It's too late to fight. It ends tonight.**_

Toby parked his motorcycle in the back lot of the Brew in its usual space. He pulled his helmet off his head and let it dangle at his side as he walked up the stairs to his loft, fishing for the keys in the pocket of his leather jacket.

His entire ride back from the hospital had been filled with thoughts of Spencer. The way her hair fell around her face. The pouty look she reserved for him and only him. How her eyes seemed to light up anytime they were near each other. He wrestled with the thought of driving himself deliberately off the road; never having to deal with this back and forth battle again. But before even thinking it, he knew that choice was something more shallow and self-serving than he would ever allow himself to do.

As he found the keys in his pocket, he turned the door lock slowly, not wanting to let himself into the solace and darkness that awaited in his empty loft. He pulled his backpack off of his shoulders and let his jacket fall on top after. Throwing his keys on the bed, he walked into the tiny kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He wasn't hungry or even thirsty, but it felt like a motion he was compelled to complete.

While standing idly, staring at the contents before him, he heard the low ding of his phone that notified him there was a message. A large part of him hoped it was her, but another part knew that more praise from her would result in more guilt from himself.

He pulled his slim phone from the pocket of his jacket and flicked on the screen, regretting the decision to check it almost immediately. It was from Mona.

_We're going to kick Hanna while she's down. Stay tuned._

Ten words. After months of secrets, countless hours of him trying to keep it together so he could protect Spencer without blowing his cover, it was those ten words that broke him.

"Damnit!", he bellowed, his hand involuntarily giving out and letting his phone clatter to the floor. His now free hands rose to his hair and grabbed forcefully in anger.

He felt more like a fraud then ever before. How could he let these people try to control everyone else's lives? He kept foolishly letting himself believe that staying in their web would allow him to keep an eye on what was going on; that it would eventually help him figure out a way to stop them.

He had done so many things that he was ashamed of and there were so many other things that he wished he could tell Spencer about. But he knew she would never understand. If he told her the things he had been keeping from her, he would lose her forever.

Yet, he also knew that it was his only choice.

He loved her too much to keep lying to her. It was too late for him to untangle himself from Mona and her other twisted friends without putting her into even more danger. But it wasn't too late for him to devote all his time to them in order to make sure that nothing bad happened to her while they were still reigning.

Toby bent down to pick up his phone from the spot on the floor where he had dropped it. He brushed off the screen and took a deep breath before beginning a message to Spencer.

_I know you've been through a lot today and wanted to stay with Hanna. Could you sneak out for a bit to meet me at our spot on top of Rosewood? It's important._

He paced back and forth, phone in hand. Sitting down on the bed. Standing up. Leaning against the kitchen table. Looking out the window at the few cars passing by. He'd never been so nervous awaiting a text message and when he finally felt the tiny vibration in his hand, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

_Of course. I'll meet you there in half an hour. I love you._

The last three words knocked the wind out of him. He wasn't prepared, but it didn't matter. He grabbed his helmet and jacket to head out the door. He locked it behind him stuffing his keys and phone back into his pocket.

* * *

He arrived at their spot before she did. His journey had felt longer than it actually was and he was almost surprised he was able to keep his nerves in check enough to operate the bike.

Toby peeled off his helmet and set it down on top of the motorcycle. He walked over to the large rock near the edge of the hill and took a seat. He couldn't find a good place to keep his hands and his legs wouldn't stay still. He hoped she would arrive soon so the scenarios he kept playing in his head would either become an exaggeration or a understated version of the events that actually occurred.

"Hey," a soft voice broke into the cloudy mess of thoughts in his head and he turned slowly to find her standing there. He forced down a lump in his throat as he looked at her and she smiled widely back at him. She looked as though she'd been sleeping and he was sorry to have taken her from that.

"Hi," he replied, standing as she walked towards him. "Were you sleeping? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you... I just..."

She shook her head. "It's okay. You said it was important."

He closed his eyes and nodded. When he opened them, the expression on her face had turned from soft to worried. Her brow was furrowed and her head cocked to the side.

"What's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost," she said, reaching out to cup his face with her hand. He backed away lightly and saw her expression turn again, this time to confusion.

"Sit down," he whispered. "Please." She stared at him for a moment before taking a seat on the large rock.

"I just need you to listen to me for a little bit, okay? Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do..."

He interrupted her before she could say anything else and the words started flowing out of his mouth. "When I came back to Rosewood last year, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. People treated me horribly. Everyone thought I killed Alison and no one gave me a chance to prove otherwise before they decided that I was guilty."

Her mouth formed a somber line as he spoke. He knew this was a sore subject for her and she had apologized to him already. She had been so sincere and it was part of what made him fall so hard for her. She wasn't afraid to admit she had been wrong.

"I had no friends. I barely even had any family. And I just wanted someone to need me..."

She sat forward and he could tell she was getting upset. "I know, I..."

"Spencer, please."

Her mouth settled back into a line and she relaxed her posture, listening intently to him again.

"One day when I was on my was home from school, a girl approached me. She said that she saw how people treated me and she remembered how they used to treat me before I went to juvy. Because it was how they treated her, too. She said she was part of a plan to mess with some of the people who had treated her that way and that the others she was working with wanted me to be a part of it, too. That girl... was Mona... and she was talking about you, Spence. She was talking about getting back at you, Hanna, Emily and Aria."

She blinked, her eyes growing wide. "What?"

"Let me explain. Just give me a minute to explain," he stuttered. She didn't. She shot up out of her seated position and started towards him.

"Toby. What. Are. You. Saying?"

He shook his head. He could feel a stinging sensation in his eyes and that ache he had come to expect in his heart.

"TELL ME," she screamed. "SAY IT." Her words became choked by tears as she stopped just short of where he was standing and held her head in her hands. "You've been a part of it all along."

He moved towards her, reaching out to touch her.

"No," she growled. "Don't you touch me."

The tone of her voice made him feel like someone was twisting his insides with their bare hands. "I joined at the beginning. I never had any intention of hurting anyone. I just thought a few anonymous text messages and harmless pranks would be worth it after what Alison and her friends had done to me. I had no idea the things they planned to do."

She looked up, no longer was her face lighting up at the sight of him, her eyes were dead. Tears streaked her cheeks. He had shattered her.

"But then you showed up at my door... and I..."

"Stop."

"No, Spencer, you need to know this. I fell in love with you. I found out who you really were. The way I feel about you has never been a lie..."

Her laughter was enough to kill him; it was a low, guttural, cackle.

"You expect me to believe that NOW? You expect me to believe this isn't all just a part of your plan? Look at everything that has happened! Mona almost killed _**me**_ and you expect me to believe that you love me?"

His eyes filled with tears. The ache in his heart had spread into his throat in the form of a huge lump and his body was slick with sweat. He reached out to her again. This time she reacted with a slap of her hand.

"Get away from me. I don't want you near me. Ever. I can't even look at you. This is over."

She began to walk away, breaking into a run shortly after. He tried to call after her, but his voice was stuck behind the lump in his throat. He fought back the tears in his eyes and sat down in front of the rock that had recently been occupied by her. He could smell her sweet perfume as he closed his eyes and rested his head against it.

It was over. But it was just beginning.


	4. Hush

_**This is, as quiet as it gets. Hush down now, go to sleep. We were once perfect, me and you. Hush. You color my eyes red. Your loves not live, it's dead [...] When rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends. Hush. This is where it ends [...] This is the calming before the storm. This absolution is always incomplete. It's always bittersweet. **_

She was running as fast as she could, but if felt like she wasn't getting anywhere. Every time her feet hit the ground she could only think of how she needed to get further away. Further away from that spot. Further away from him.

Once her car was in sight, she struggled to get her keys out of her pocket with trembling hands. She hit the button to unlock the doors, threw herself into the drivers seat and took off. Rounding a few of the dark bends, her headlights the only ones on the road, she tried to steady her breathing. Tears sprang into her eyes and she knew she wouldn't make it all the way back to Hanna's.

Spencer pulled her car over to the side of the road and checked to make sure her doors were locked. She leaned her head back against her seat and closed her eyes. A filmstrip played in her mind.

Flashing past all the moments they'd shared since she first saw him in the alley and she just knew there was something different about him. Something no one ever got to see. He was everything she always needed and never knew she wanted. She thought he was her soulmate. He fought for her, protected her, calmed her down, loved her unconditionally and even challenged her sometimes.

But now...

Now she didn't know if what she thought meant anything. Her everything had become her nothing in a matter of minutes. Her world had come crashing down around her. She didn't know what was a lie and what was the truth. Even more than ever, she was afraid that now there was no one she could really trust. If her safe place to land wasn't truly all that safe what was to say that anything or anyone was?

When she opened her eyes, her fists were already pounding the steering wheel and she began to cry. Her sobs quickly becoming hysterical; she heard noises that she thought couldn't possibly be coming from inside her car. But they were.

She didn't allow herself to become this emotional all that often. When she did, it was only over things she gave her all to. And Toby was one of those things. He **had been** one of those things.

Wiping her hands across her eyes, she took deep breaths. One after another. She needed to calm down. This was what they wanted. They wanted her to become vulnerable. She wouldn't let them have what they wanted because they had taken away the only thing she wanted.

Though, maybe they had had it all along.

How could he have stood there and lied right to her face for all those months? And how could he have stood there moments ago saying that his love for her was real after everything that he and Mona and god knows who else had done to her and her friends?

She pulled her phone out of her pocket. Clicking through numbers until she got to Hanna, but before she could send the call, she stopped. Hanna's boyfriend had just been shot and her very own... ex-boyfriend... might have been the one who orchestrated it.

Should she even tell any of the girls? What good would it really do?

Emily had formed a friendship with him long before anyone else would give him the time of day. She saw what no one else had the heart to see, or at least that's what Spencer thought. Maybe they had been right in not trusting him at the beginning. Their gut instincts about him were there all along and they gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Mostly for her.

But he was so good to them. He had comforted Emily when she needed him. Fought to get Spencer back when 'A' had made her break up with him. He even landed himself in the hospital trying to do just that.

Could he really just have been manipulating everyone this whole time? Was he really the crazed maniac they pegged him for when he first returned to Rosewood?

Spencer could hardly bare to think about it. Just that afternoon they had made love. God. She was such a fool. She had waited for so long and it felt like the right time. It seemed so laughable now. He'd told her he loved her. And that he was right where he needed to be.

Was this what he meant? That being with her was where they needed him to be because it got them into the girls inner circle? She felt sick. If she had been the one to put her friends in even more danger than they were already in, she wouldn't know what to do with herself.

Now more calm, she decided to head home. She couldn't go back to the girls because when they woke up in the morning and saw her, they would know something was wrong. She needed time to figure out what excuse she was going to give them for what happened between her and Toby.

By the time she made it home, it was so late that if anyone was even in her house, they were sound asleep. She was even more drained than she had been a few hours prior and she didn't even take the time to wash her face or change her clothes. She pulled back the soft covers of her bed and climb in underneath them, burying herself as far into it's warmth as she could.

When she closed her eyes, all she could see was his face and the tears returned. She cried quietly into her pillows and waited for exhaustion to take over so that she could drift into sleep without a moment to think of anything else.


	5. Breathe

_**Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands and breathe. Just breathe. Oh, breathe. Just breathe [...] But, my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles. Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it [...] There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout, cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. **_

Spencer opened her eyes and rolled over to face her window. It was dark outside, she knew at least that much. What she didn't know was what time it was or on what day. Upon grabbing her phone, she found that it was approaching 5 am on the third day since her life was turned upside down.

She hadn't been to school, but being a proper Hastings girl, she was already far ahead on all her work. Her friends were keeping her up to date with anything academically related that she was missing.

They were all worried about her and voiced that daily. Aria wanting to have long phone conversations. Hanna asking to stop over and make sure she wasn't wearing the same clothing she was the last time they saw her. And Emily, sweet Emily, just telling her that if she needed anything - she'd be there in a heartbeat. She loved them. All wonderful in their own ways, but she kept them in the dark, still. The less they knew, the better and none of them pried any further than she would let them.

Her mom hadn't checked on her since the first morning. She told her she was feverish and Veronica was satisfied enough with that to leave for work and never return to her room. For all Spencer knew, she had been alone in her house for the past few days. No one in her family seemed to care that she was constantly wearing pajamas or that her only nourishment had been a few daily glasses of tea and spoonfuls of peanut butter.

She only left her room in the wee hours of the night or the few hours of the day when she knew for sure no one would be there. Taking what she felt like she needed and returning to her bed. She wasn't able to explain anything to her friends and the last thing she wanted to do was try to come up with something to tell her parents. As if they'd even care, she thought, rolling her eyes at herself; believing for a moment that they would.

Piles of blankets and pillows felt like her only solace. She slept most of the time because it was usually the only way that she could calm her mind. Except for the few times she had woken up drenched in sweat from nightmares where a hooded figure was

chasing after her. When the person would catch up, their hood came down with a gloved hand revealing Toby's face. He would reach for her with a sinister stare and then she'd wake up. Scared, alone and riddled with tears.

Because it wasn't supposed to be him.

She moved her body toward her bedside table and flicked on the lamp sitting on top of it. Laying on her back and staring up at the ceiling, she let her mind wander for the first time in days. This wasn't normal for her. She wasn't the type of girl who wallowed. She got busy and kept herself occupied, but for some reason she found herself unable to do that right now. She had the constant feeling of being punched in the stomach. And though she knew she would eventually have to become her high strung self again, she just wanted to be alone for awhile.

If there was ever a time she wasn't sleeping, Spencer had kept herself busy with anything she could find. Re-reading classic literature. Alphabetizing her receipts. Color coding her wardrobe, again. Once in awhile, she would stumble upon something that reminded her of him. She would be enveloped by it for a moment before she retreated to her mattress and pulled the covers over her head.

Now, she allowed herself to think of all the things she had been pushing out of her mind for the past few days. If Toby had been working with these people since shortly after he returned to Rosewood, how much of what had happened to her and her friends had been carried out by him?

She shuddered to think of the horrible things that they had been forced upon them. And all they had tried to do to keep themselves and their families safe. 'A' had made her break his heart or at least that's what she thought at the time. He probably went back to them and laughed at her for sobbing over losing him. His love for her was so convincing. She wondered how it could have all been a lie.

Mentally thumbing across months of her life, she thought of the things he'd said. That he would do whatever he could to help her. That he would never do anything to hurt her. That he loved her, loved her so much it didn't matter what she couldn't tell him, that pretending not to love her was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

It all seemed like a dream now. A beautiful nightmare.

And then she thought of something else. The day the girls were going to meet Ian in the woods, she had spent the afternoon with Toby. When she got a call from Melissa, asking to be picked up at the church, they said their goodbyes and he told her that if she needed anything that night - he'd be there for her.

Someone had pushed Ian off that bell tower. Someone had saved Spencer's life by pushing him off that bell tower. Had that someone been Toby?

No, she thought, placing her hands over her eyes. Her delirium was clearly causing her to hallucinate conspiracy theories. This man. This man that she _**loved **_had betrayed her, for who knows how long, and there was no coming back from that.

And in that moment, she knew it was time to get on with her life. Checking her clock, she saw that it was barely past 5:30, so she had plenty of time to get ready and head off to school. She was done being battered and broken; that wasn't her style.

Her friends would be there and they would get her through this. She wasn't about to let this team of A's ruin her life for good. This would be what they wanted, to have pushed her until she surrendered.

But she wouldn't.


	6. Don't You Ever Forget About Me

_**The hardest thing I'd ever do, is say goodbye and walk slowly away from you. But I'll do it. And after all this time I shared with you, it seems unfair to leave with nothing more than blank stares. But I'll do it [...] Don't you ever forget about me. When you toss and turn and you're asleep. I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about the reasons why, you close you're eyes. I haunt your dreams at night. So you can't stop thinking about me. Don't stop thinking about me [...] No one said, love's not for taking chances.**_

A week that felt like a year had passed since he told her the truth. Unsurprisingly, that was the last time he heard from her and he made a promise to himself not to intrude on her life again.

Toby's movements had been utterly robotic. He woke up every morning and went about his daily routine barely stopping to think about what he was doing. If he stopped to think, he would only think of her and that would be the end of it. He had a job to keep and a team of maniacs to keep an eye on. He couldn't let his guard down for a second.

The only moments he had to wonder were the ones where he was praying he would fall asleep before he had a chance to think of her for too long. When those wondering moments came, he thought about what she might be doing. Part of him hoped she was working hard to forget about him and another part of him never wanted her to. He knew that it was unfair to hope that even though she was angry, even though he would likely never speak to her again, she would never forget him.

He knew he'd never forget her.

This particular evening he was having a harder time falling asleep than usual. He began thinking about all the things that had happened since he met Spencer. How he'd struggle to maintain a front of loyalty to the A-team while falling completely in love with her and wanting nothing more than to keep her out of harm's way when, in reality, he was harm.

He had never needed to keep a secret like that from someone before. And for this skeleton in his closet to be the one that would strip him of the only person he had ever loved was more than he thought he would be able to handle. There were days when he thought he would surely break down and tell her, but he always talked himself out of it, not wanting to go a day without seeing her beautiful smile and knowing it was just for him.

Toby worked hard to keep his allegiance. He often didn't sleep enough because he was mulling over orders he had been handed down and wondering how to fulfill them in the least damaging way. Sometimes, it was just out of his control.

He was one of the lowest on the totem pole. The mastermind of this twisted scheme was someone he didn't even know. Mona passed everything on to him. He had tried to pry time and time again about who the leader was, but she always told him, in her snarky way, that it didn't matter as long as the girls were getting what was coming to them, right?

He lay flat on his back, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what he wouldn't give to go back to the day she first approached him and run screaming from her as fast as he could. This thought begged the question, if he hadn't said yes, would he and Spencer still have ended up together? And for the first time in a week, he smiled. Toby knew that she was his soulmate. He knew that whether there was an 'A' or a team of them or not, somehow, someway - they would have found each other.

Maybe in a world where the things that existed in this one, didn't exist, they would've spent the rest of their lives together. But that wasn't possible now. In this world his life would be an endless cycle of meaningless moments because, without her, nothing mattered.

Mona had not been very happy when she found out that things between Spencer and Toby had ended; for good this time. He was able to convince her that they were in far enough and had enough leverage that they didn't need him to be part of the inner circle any longer. That had shut her up for the time being.

He worried that every day would be the day that one of them would find out he had told her. In his worst nightmares he couldn't begin to imagine what they would try do to the both of them. He knew it wasn't fair to Spencer to keep lying to her, but he also wasn't sure it was perfectly safe for her to know his place in all this.

Toby felt his lids getting heavy. He was finally going to drift off to sleep. And in those moments before a slumber overtook him, he promised himself what he always promised himself...

Keep Spencer Safe.


	7. Shake It Out

**And I've been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind. I can see no way, I can see no way [...] So, I like to keep my issues drawn. But it's always darkest before the dawn [...] And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off. And given half the chance would I take any of it back. It's a fine romance, but its left me so undone. It's always darkest before the dawn. And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road. And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope. Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me [...] Well, what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me.**

The chill in the air crept up into through the openings of Spencer's coat sleeve as she pulled her scarf tighter around her neck for warmth. She kept a fast pace as she weaved down the streets of Rosewood. It was December, and she was meticulously looking for Christmas presents to give everyone on her list. Usually, she finished her shopping before November, but this year had become extraordinarily busy over the last few months.

Keeping herself busy was something that often came naturally to Spencer, but she found herself needing more tasks than she normally did to fill her mind and leave no room for unwanted thoughts. This shopping trip was the first time since October she had been out on her own with a moment to stray and she was beginning to wonder if that had been a good idea.

In the midst of all the stores and bags and people, she lost count of the number of things she saw that reminded her of him. An antique toy truck sitting next to a vintage necklace she'd picked up for Aria. A copy of The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac while in the bookstore buying Emily a hardback journal. And the thing that snapped her back to reality… a rack of black hoodies hanging in the clothing store she stopped in when she saw a dress that screamed Hanna. She hurriedly bought the dress and rushed out of the store. Leaning against the brick front outside she focused her breathing to keep the tears from forming in her eyes.

She would be lying to herself if she acted like she hadn't thought of him at all since that night. The other girls still didn't know and she intended to keep it that way, but whenever one of them spoke of a new message or something else "A" related, she wondered if he was the one behind it. It somewhat surprised her that he hadn't tried to reach out. Then again, if the real Toby was anything like the man she thought she knew… he was trying to keep her safe. And, much like she did, he would believe the best way to do that was keeping his distance.

Spencer straightened the front of her jacket and proceeded down the street. Veronica had asked if she would stop at the Apple Rose Grille to pick up dinner for them. Things had been going as well as they could at the Hastings manor and if picking up food for the family was the way to keep that area of her life stable, she was more than willing.

Fumbling for her wallet as she approached the doors to the Grille, she almost failed to notice the familiar body, hunched over, reading at the window. Her heart leapt into her throat and then fell to the pit of her stomach when she registered his lean shoulders and light brown coif.

Toby.

This was the last place she'd expected to see him. She wondered what he was doing there. Out in the open. In the middle of Rosewood. And then she remembered that, to most people, he was just your average guy. He was not the co-conspirator of a team of psychos who had been trying endlessly to ruin her life. No one could see that when they looked at his breathtakingly beautiful face. Or the smile he flashed at the waitress who blushed when she brought him another cup of coffee.

And then he saw her.

She realized she had been standing there for quite some time, staring at him. When their eyes met, she felt the rush of emotion that used to overtake her when she knew he was looking. This time, she dropped her head immediately and propelled herself straight to the counter.

Spencer could feel her hands shaking as she handed over her money to the woman behind the register. She wondered if he was looking at her and then scolded herself for caring. It had taken months to train herself not to weep at the mere thought of him and she was not going to let a moment like this knock the wind out of her sails. Toby had been revealed as everything she originally thought he was: a liar, a threat, the bad guy. There was no turning back now.

Brown bag in hand, she took a deep breath and turned around. A force of habit brought her eyes to the window and she was surprised to find that he had turned back to his book. Sipping his coffee and peering out at the street, he seemed as unaffected by her presence as she was affected by his.

The tears were beginning to well in her eyes and she knew she needed to get out of there as fast as she could.

As the door slammed behind her, she moved forward to the crosswalk and waited for her signal to go. Knowing it might be her last chance, she begrudgingly turned towards the Grille to take one last glimpse at the man she once loved. This time, his eyes were affixed to one thing. Her.

She saw a sadness behind his piercing baby blues. For a moment, their time together came rushing back to her. The first time she saw him reading there. Talking to him on his porch. The motel. The kiss. Letting go of herself to be with him. Loving him. Making love to him. All of it had seemed so perfect. So special. So real.

But it wasn't.

She shook her head, almost imperceptibly, and crossed the street just as the signal warned her not to. When she made it to her car, the tears were impossible to hold back. She allowed herself to let them out because she hadn't in awhile and she knew it didn't help to hold them in.

A part of her wondered if it was worth all the pain to keep pushing him away when what she clearly wanted was to pull him close, but the rational part of her was the reminder that he wasn't safe.

Spencer put the car in drive and as she made her way home, she began to think that maybe she didn't really care.


	8. Loving Ghosts

_**I don't know how long I've been here the days all run together. You're gone, but you won't disappear. Traces of you will last forever. It feels like if I hold my breath, you'll walk in any second and tell me it was all a mistake. Can't believe that you left. And it haunts me to hold you this close, but hurts me more to let go. That's why I'm still loving ghosts [...] I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie than admit you're really gone forever. Every sense is screaming, every hair stands on my skin. Every room I feel it, you are here. Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing. My heartbreak, a chance worth taking. So on this floor, I'll still be waiting.**_

As he approached the Apple Rose Grille, he took a moment to survey his surroundings. It had been awhile since he'd found himself in the middle of Rosewood without the company of his A-Team gear and a mission to accomplish. He wasn't sure it was the best idea for him to be there, but he was tired of the crowd at the Brew and longed for something that he couldn't possess now.

He opened the door to the Grille and took a seat at a counter near the window where he could look out at the town that was once his home. The waitress approached and smiled, her cheeks flushed when he looked up at her. She stumbled over her words as he rattled off his order and she tried to make casual conversation. He was uninterested.

This happened to him often now. In the places he spent most of his time, people didn't know his past or his present. Women approached him and batted their eyelashes or blatantly threw themselves at him, but he always politely denied their advances. He didn't know or care who wanted him because the only person he wanted wasn't one of them anymore.

Toby took a small, paperback book from his coat and began to read, just as he had so many times in the past. The Grille used to be the place he would go when he needed to find solace. The familiar smells would waft past his nose, the hustle and bustle of families eating or friends sharing a cup of coffee. It was always so much better than being at home.

He flipped through page after page, letting himself get lost in the words and forgetting about what was real to him. He was startled from his concentration when the waitress brought him another cup of coffee and he smiled politely as she set it down in front of him.

Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure standing near the door. Fumbling for something in her bag; the long, thin legs; cascading, brown curls; small, pursed lips - he'd know her anywhere.

Spencer.

Breath hitched in his throat and his heart began to pound so hard, he felt like everyone around him could hear it. He would have been lying if he said that the possibility of seeing her hadn't been part of the reason he had decided to go there. It had been so long since they had seen each other, or spoken, he wondered - if he caught her at the right time, would she give him a chance to talk to her?

She dropped her eyes to the ground the moment they connected with his and forced her way into the restaurant. He could see her hands trembling as they removed some money from her wallet to pay for her meal. Toby admitted to himself that this was not the time, that maybe he needed to finally get used to the fact that there never would be a time.

He turned back to his book, feeling that once familiar pain in his chest and stinging in his eyes. He scanned the pages, but registered nothing. The same words over and over for what felt like ages before he lifted his head again, expecting her to have gone.

Instead, he saw her standing perfectly still near the crosswalk in front of The Grille and, as if on cue, she turned around. Her porcelain skin looked beautiful in the setting sun and as he held her glance with his own, he thought he saw a longing in her eyes.

Everything came rushing back to him in that moment. All that he'd done with her. All that he'd done to her. All that he'd done for her. Over the past few months, boss 'A' hadn't let up. He took his missions and tried his best to twist them in ways that would help the girls without alerting the team that something was a-rye. So far, he'd been successful, but he was never sure how much longer his tactics would work.

When he focused back on her, she was turning to move across the street. He stared, trying to imprint the previous moment in his mind. Toby's emotions swelled with the wonder of what she was thinking.

He closed his book and got up from where he was seated. Shrugging on his jacket, he passed through the door and in that moment, as he watched her drive away; he decided what he needed to do.

Months had gone by. He left her alone. He didn't try to explain, didn't fight it, but that wasn't what he wanted. And he would be damned if he let go of her without knowing that that was what _**she **_wanted.

His love for her was real. It always had been real and he knew without a doubt that her love for him was real, too. Of course it wouldn't be easy and she probably wouldn't trust him right away, if ever, but he needed her. And even though he would try to protect her no matter what, he had to try one last time to do it with her by his side.


	9. The Special Two

_**But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight, until we're the special two once again. And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together, our hands will not be taught to hold another's, when we're the special two. And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together, these arms will not be taught to need another when we're the special two. [...] So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face? Well, I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place. I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now, but if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down 'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.**_

Spencer pulled her Highlander smoothly into the Hastings driveway; the bag from the Apple Rose Grille on the passenger's seat, her mind a million miles away. She had thought of nothing but those piercing, blue eyes since walking away from them. They still had that effect on her even after what she knew.

Or what she thought she knew.

It had occurred to her many times, but she had always pushed the idea from her mind. Maybe he had been telling the truth when he said he loved her; when he said that he'd gotten in over his head.

His eyes were soft and sad the night her told her. Their gaze was hard at the Grille, but she still thought she saw that sadness in them. She was so deep in thought that she nearly hit her head on the SUV's roof when her phone began to ring.

"Hi Mom."

"Spencer, why have you been sitting in the driveway for the past five minutes?," Veronica quipped.

Spencer looked at her watch, it had been at least double that since she got home. She felt bad that she had let the food get cold, but she couldn't stop thinking about the way Toby looked at her.

"I'm sorry. I was... I'll be right in," she replied.

She decided she needed to see him one more time, if he would let her. He could tell her his side of the story and she would determine where to go from there. It had been a miserable past few months. She was finally ready to admit that to herself. To allow the pain of losing her everything sink in without bringing her to the point of being numb.

As she reached over to grab her family's meal, her phone chimed. Rolling her eyes and expecting another inquisition from her mother, she picked it up. She couldn't figure out which emotion was most appropriate when she discovered who the real sender was.

_I know I have no right to ask you this, but it's worth a shot. I'm staying in a room at the Rosewood Motel. If you're willing to listen to what I have to say, please come. - Toby_

Her heart began to race as she thought about the implications of the message. She was planning to send him one; he had beat her to it. Always. Of course, she knew there was always the possibility that this was just another 'A' trap, but that was a risk she was willing to take.

She rushed into the house, startling her parents who were impatiently waiting at the table with their nightly glasses of wine.

"I'm.. I have to go to Hanna's," she sputtered. "Just put my food in the fridge."

Spinning on her heels, away from the confusion on her parents faces, and without waiting for a reply; she headed back out the door to make her way to the motel.

* * *

Toby paced back and forth across the thin carpet of his motel room. The motel room. Their motel room. He hadn't expected it to be available, but chose to take it as a sign that she would come when it was. Granted, he had not heard back from her since he sent his plea, but he had all night to find out.

He brought nothing with him except the clothes he was wearing, so he had nothing to entertain his racing mind while the minutes ticked slowly on. He figured he wouldn't have been able to concentrate on anything, anyway. His brain was too busy creating different scenarios of how Spencer would react to him... if she showed up.

She might slap him. He was sort of surprised she hadn't as soon as she found out. Perhaps she would just cry. He wasn't sure he was fully ready to witness the girl he loved at her breaking point, if there was ever a time when he would be. She hadn't really let go when she first found out. His heart ached whenever he imagined how badly he had truly hurt her.

But maybe, just maybe, she would listen. Give him a real chance to explain. A real chance to prove that everything they had been through together wasn't a lie. That he loved her. And maybe one day she could trust him again.

A soft knock on the door startled him and he felt his lungs constrict as if all the oxygen had been pulled from the room. He made his way to open it, wondering if it could possibly be her and as the door swung inward, the oxygen returned.

* * *

Her hair fell over her shoulders just as it had that afternoon outside the Grille and her lips were pursed in true Spencer fashion as she waited for him to invite her in.

"Hi," he breathed. "How did you know where to find me? You never answered."

Without a word, she looked at the number on the door and then back at him before stepping around his tall frame to make her way inside. She didn't have to say anything for him to know what she meant.

"Toby...," she began quietly as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Can you just... hear me out first?," he interjected, making his way over to stand in front of her. "I know you have things you want to say, but just let me tell you my side first."

She nodded. She knew that she was there to give him a chance, but he didn't, so she decided to let him explain before awarding him that knowledge. If she wasn't satisfied, she would leave. And that would be the end.

He forced out a breath. "I told you this, but I'm going to tell you again because... well, because you probably weren't ready to hear it then. You probably didn't hear it then. I don't know if you want to hear it now."

He was standing in front of her and she watched as his hands moved nervously in front of him. One of the hardest parts of this was that after everything 'A' and his or her minions had put the girls through, finding out Toby was part of it meant he was either really lost or a really really good liar. She hoped this speech would impart her some wisdom on how to tell the difference.

"When I first came back to Rosewood, everyone thought I was the scum of the earth. I'd blinded one girl and probably killed another. No one wanted anything to do with me. I felt so awful. I thought a lot about just crashing my bike so I wouldn't have to deal with it day to day. Being the outcast."

He could feel himself sweating and shaking at the same time. Everything was riding on this meeting. If she would just take another chance on him, he would prove himself to her, he would prove that he never wanted to hurt her or her friends.

"One day, Mona approached me. I mean, I didn't even know who she was at first, but when I figured it out... I thought we had something in common. Ali had made both our lives a living hell and I guess she, and some other people, thought you and your friends were part of that. It made them want to show you guys what it felt like to hurt."

Spencer flinched slightly at those words. He wanted so badly to reach out to comfort her, but he didn't. He kept going.

"I thought it would just be a few harmless messages. A spook here or there. I didn't know everything they were planning. I.. Spencer.. I still don't even know who's in charge," he said.

"Mona hit Hanna with her car and I freaked, but I kept it to myself. I wasn't really sure what they would do to me if I tried to get out. Then you showed up at my door. You were... different than I expected. Genuinely scared. Genuinely sorry for the things you said about me. When the team found out you had basically opened up to an enemy, they wanted me to get close to you and I wanted to anyway, but not for their reasons."

She felt her face soften a bit at the memory of meeting with him on his front porch. His shaggy hair and ankle monitor. No bullshit attitude. She'd gotten him to smile before she left. That was when she began to think she had been wrong about him.

"Once I got to know you; once I fell in love with you, I did everything I could to keep you safe. I've _done_ everything I could," he pleaded. "I know it's all hard for you to believe. I know I probably can't ask you to trust me right now, but if there's one thing I need you to know it's that I do love you. I never lied about that."

He hesitantly took a seat on the bed next to her and she moved slightly as if to say it was okay for him to be so close. "One last thing and then I'll let you say or do whatever you came here to do. The night you went to meet Ian at the church, do you remember what I said to you?"

"Yes," she paused," if I needed anything - you would be there for me."

"I was there. I didn't know what was going to happen. I was worried about you. I just watched from a distance, until I heard you screaming. When I ran up into the bell tower and saw what was going on, I didn't know what else to do, so I pushed him. And then I ran, I couldn't let you see it was me."

He studied her face for a moment, her eyes still steeled on his, before continuing.

"When all the commotion was going on outside, I took the body. I didn't think about how bad it would look for you if it was gone. And then, well, you know the rest. They used it for their own little games."

Spencer wasn't sure what she should make of what she heard. She turned her face away from his and let her wheels spin. She'd always wondered who it was that had saved her, but she never really believed it could've been Toby. Not even after he'd revealed his secret to her. This new information took her breath away.

She still felt hesitant to jump into believing his every word, but he looked and sounded so sincere as he was talking to her. She promised herself she'd be cautious. Promised she wouldn't dive in to fast. She loved him. Who ever said, love's not for taking chances?

He tried to figure out what she was thinking in the deafening silence, but it was impossible to penetrate the face of a Hastings in thought. She licked her lips as she turned her face back to his.

"I came here to listen and let you try to explain yourself...," she began. "I did it because when I saw you this afternoon and I had to walk away, the thought of never seeing you again was just as painful as everything else has been. I thought I owed it to myself to hear you out."

While she spoke, one of her hands crept slowly toward one of his and held it gently. He looked down at it in quiet surprise before looking back up at her.

"This doesn't mean that things are the way they were. I can't guarantee you that they ever will be, but I'm going against all the parts of me, screaming that this is wrong because I love you. And I choose to see the good in you. Please. Don't make a fool of me again."

Toby rubbed his thumb lightly across her palm in agreeance, but neither of them said another word. She rose to leave, her hand still entwined in his and he followed her to the door.

She placed her palm against his cheek. He closed his eyes for a moment to relish the feelings that he had missed and opened them again in time to see a smile form across her lips. He nodded as she turned to leave and shut the door in her wake.

On either side there was a sigh, a spark and a knowledge that tomorrow was a new beginning.


	10. Author's Note

I would just like to thank everyone who has stuck around to read this story. I didn't think I was actually going to finish it for awhile there, but it happened! I hope that the resolution is a satisfying one and that it warms your hearts for a little while. Especially not knowing what the true fate of these two is.

Here's the playlist of songs that inspired each chapter. As another disclaimer, I don't own these songs, these lyrics, these characters or many of the places. I just love them all and enjoy putting my spin on them. I hope that never offends the people who were clever enough to come up with them on their own.

3

**I Feel So** by Boxcar Racer

**Little Lion Man (cover)** by Tonight Alive

**It Ends Tonight **by The All-American Rejects

**Hush** by Automatic Loveletter

**Breathe** by Anna Nalick

**Don't You Ever Forget About Me** by Sleeping With Sirens

**Shake It Out** by Florence + the Machine

**Loving Ghosts** by Vedera

**The Special Two** by Missy Higgins


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